After several months of debating whether or not to discuss this very personal journey of infertility, I have decided it is time. I have written the title to this post at least 18 times these past few months but always stop. I get too emotional, embarrassed, angry or all the above. My OBGYN says I am perfectly healthy to conceive another baby but God says otherwise. If you are struggling with infertility please know that YOU are not alone. I’ve struggled with infertility for the past 4.5 years and this is my story. I hope in some small way this will help someone feel the support and love you deserve as well as to be kinder to ourselves during trying very trying time.
In the beginning…
As with any good story, let’s start at the beginning. At the age of 24, I married my high school sweetheart. He was my first and only boyfriend who I dated since the age of 15. We survived high school together, college in different cities and finally at the tender age of 22 he asked for my hand in marriage. After marriage, we decided to wait to have children and the magic number in my mind to become a mother was “30.” Why 30? I have no idea, it just felt right in my heart and soul. Within those 6 years of waiting to become parents, we bought a home, moved cities, traveled the world, started new careers, built our family home and really connected with each other inside and out.
Baby
After building our second home and relocating to a different city we decided it was time to start a family. After 12 years of being on birth control I decided it was now time and we were both really excited to start! I told my husband, with confidence, that it would probably take us at least 6 months to a full year to conceive so let’s just have fun with it. Within 5 weeks of having “fun” I started having a sharp pain on my lower side so I immediately scheduled an appointment with my OBGYN. I went to my appointment, urinated in a cup and found out that I was already 5 weeks pregnant! As you can imagine, I was in complete shock as tears rolled down my face with excitement and fear. I never thought it would happen so fast! It is also the precise moment I remember thinking to myself, if I ever decide to have another baby, I bet it is going to be so difficult. I guess you can say I determined my own fate, unfortunately. Anyhow, I was pregnant and we were over the moon! I had a wonderful pregnancy but as we got closer to my delivery date my doctor informed me that my daughter was breeched and we would need to have c-section but we still had an option to have her naturally. My doctor said he could perform an ECV (external cephalic version) and manually turn her so I could still have a natural delivery. I was honestly fine with it but my husband said absolutely not!
A quick back story to why my husband was 100% opposed to an ECV. At about 5 months I was reading an article on how a woman at 7 or 8 months found out her little girl was breeched too. Her doctor offered to conduct an ECV which she agreed to. On the day of the procedure they had heart monitors up to ensure the baby was in the safest environment possible. Unfortunately, something went wrong and this mother lost her perfectly healthy baby because of an error due during the procedure. When I told my husband the story he told me he would never let anyone touch our daughter while inside my tummy.
I was appalled that he responded that way without consulting me in private first but I reluctantly agreed. Flash forward to the due date, as my daughter was pulled out from me the doctor exclaimed “good job mom and dad the umbilical cord was too short and wrapped tightly around her neck.” I never doubted my husbands intuition regarding our daughter ever since.
Postpartum Depression
After bringing our daughter home, life became somewhat of a blur to me. I was on maternity leave for about 4 months to try to bond with my daughter but it became very difficult. My husband described me as being in “survival mode” which I agree. I knew I had to keep Cosette safe, clean and fed but that was all. The immediate love that I had read and heard so much about did not resonate with me at the time. I felt lost, alone and very afraid of why my immediate mother reaction wasn’t “true love” like I had read. I refused to leave the house for almost 2 months until my husband forced me go to Target and try to enjoy myself. I went and remembered how I really missed that “me time” so much!
For the first 2 to 3 months of daughter’s life, my husband bathed her alone every evening. I could not do it because I was so terrified of dropping her. I had images of her falling from my arms so I didn’t dare do it alone! It took me a long time before I was finally comfortable with bathing her alone but eventually it happened and I am happy to report I never once dropped her in the bath!
In the month of April, as I was due to go back to work, I found out I had to schedule a D&C (dilation and curettage) because remnants of my daughter’s placenta were left behind…that’s a whole other story. After surgery, life proved once again to be difficult. I cried a lot, felt like I was failing as a mother and wife because I was so unhappy and not doing anything right. My husband would come home everyday and take over with no complaints. He knew I was struggling and just wanted us to ALL be happy. He suggested we should travel again and I said absolutely not! After several conversations and promises that everything would be okay if we traveled again we did it and guess what?Life once again felt normal.
As life progressed with a new baby, I finally felt I became a real mom and as we started to bond. Traveling as a family honestly became a blessing and something we could appreciate together. I finally felt content beyond measure and full of life! We now call ourselves the three amigos which our daughter knows whole heartedly!
Baby Blues
After traveling all over the world with Cosette and adjusting to being the best mother I can be, I started getting baby fever after Cosette turned about 2.5 years of age, so I got off birth control and we started to try for baby 2. After about 6 months of trying and seeing no results I figured maybe I just needed more time but after a full year with no results I approached my OBGYN. After my annual exam it turned out I had a fibroid. I scheduled surgery to have it removed and figured okay that must’ve been the reason why I wasn’t able to get pregnant so after recovery we tried again and again and again but still nothing. Now I’m starting to think maybe it just isn’t the right time but I am not getting any younger. I’m starting to become a little depressed but distract myself with other things to help keep busy. Finally, after 2.5 years I decided I should try to get some real medical help.
IUI
I asked my OBGYN what he recommended and he said let’s try IUI (intrauterine insemination). In non-fancy doctor terms, this basically means artificial insemination. The process works like this, they take your partners sperm and have it washed and concentrated where it is then placed directly into your uterus around the time your ovary releases one or more eggs to be fertilized. The success rate it very low the first time but I figured I should give it a shot.
Before the IUI happens, that are many steps one most go through to prep for the procedure. In my personal experience, my first step was to have what is called a HSG (Hysterosalpingogram). “An HSG is a procedure to test for blocked fallopian tubes, polyps, fibroids, adhesions, or scar tissue within the uterus. For this test, a physician introduces contrast dye through the cervix into the uterus while observing with fluoroscopy (live X-ray).” My doctor wanted to make sure that my fallopian tubes were not blocked and everything was in working condition. I was told the procedure would be uncomfortable but fast. I can honestly say that this procedure was incredibly painful and worst than my cesarian. As they put liquid into my uterus, to make it expand like a balloon, I thought I was going to pass out! I asked the lady administering the procedure if she had ever had it done to herself and she said no. My tolerance level is quite high so I was shocked and incredibly upset for not being told how painful the procedure would be. After the procedure I went home with major cramps and bled for a few days. But it is totally normal, right??? Insert sarcasm. After that I had to go to weekly appointments to be poked and prodded to ensure we got the right ovulation cycle. I was prescribed Femara and after about 4 weeks I was finally given the IUI. Guess what…it did not work! I was told it can take up to 6 to 10 tries before becoming successful. I was not given these stats until after the fact and became very depressed.
Learning to Cope
My IUI treatment happened about 2 year ago (July/August of 2019) and since then I have been terrified of trying anything else. I was an emotional wreck for those 4 to 5 weeks and my family suffered greatly. I don’t want to put myself or my family though that again. Yes, there are other options like IVF but I can honestly say I cannot do that for my mental state. I am truly blessed for having 1 amazing daughter and will continue to pray for one more but if that never happens then I will be okay. I hope I will be okay.
Every month, I cry at least once to myself in the shower knowing that another month has passed and my body wasn’t able to create life that I should be able to do so easily, heck I did it before! Sometimes you just have to remind yourself that things happen for a reason. God has a plan and just trust in him. That is honestly the only thought that keeps me sane.
I hope that if you are suffering from infertility you know what you are NOT ALONE. Most of us keep quiet for various reasons but please know I am here for you. I know how it feels and when people ask why you haven’t had another baby or why are you waiting so long for your next one, it’s okay to say it’s because I’m infertile and thank you for reminding me about that misfortune. God has a plan for each and every one of us and don’t YOU ever forget that!
